Laundrymats, liquor, and LIFE!

Today. Today is the second day of taking my life back. Today is the second day of eating healthy, not drinking, and spending time in the Word consistently. Today is the second day of exercising and giving all I have to being healthy in every way. Today is good and it is difficult. Today was another day spent in my car that has no AC-yuck! Last week was the sixth month since my Papa died and the sixth month that I abused alcohol off and on. Last week was the sixth month that I over-ate more than I ever had in my life. Last week was the last week that I will ever be that unhealthy. Last week was the last week that I will buy into satan's lies that I am insignificant and insufficient.
I have always drank alcohol off and on and scripturally it is fully acceptable to do so, but for me right now I am choosing not to. I chose the wrong way to grieve, but that is what I chose, and now I am done. Right now I'm also choosing not to drink alcohol for practical reasons because it has an insane amount of calories and has greatly added to my obesity. I also chose to grieve incorrectly when I gorged myself on ridiculous amounts of food and as a result of both of these over-indulgences I have gained 35 lbs in the last 6 months which is insane since I was already so obese. Amazingly I have only smoked a few times in the last 4-6 months, most likely because I temporarily traded one addiction for another. Don't worry, I haven't started smoking again. :) I have difficulty in every physical area of my life due to having so much weight on me and am looking forward to simple tasks not being so exhausting.
I feel much better than I did last week and really covet people's prayers and encouragement.
This week the Lord has really shown Himself to me. A few months ago I felt the Lord telling me that He wanted me to start a discounted laundrymat in my neighborhood. There are so many refugees in my apt complex(we're actually on the KY Refugee Tour) and the laundry facility at the apts is less than many laundrymats around, but still expensive and they really struggle financially. I have thought about it off and on, but hadn't really done anything else. The past 2 weeks I've really felt the need to share this idea with people around me and last Friday night I was up much of the night because my mind would not be quieted and I just kept thinking about the things that God could do with this laundry facility. I want to charge less and have a Bible study that meets there consistently, etc and also use space to have a clothes closet and food pantry that is very close and since many of the refugees are Muslim and won't come into the church even to meet their physical needs. While I was laying there the Lord reminded me that there is a Mosque and a Muslim school less than half a mile down the street from the apts where I live and I felt as if that is where He wanted to have the laundry facility. Two days later I felt led by the Spirit to drive down by the Mosque and to look at it and see if it was for sale, so I did. I passed it up and turned around and stared at it from across the street. I felt like I was supposed to literally drive onto the piece of ground that it was on and to survey it, so I did, even thought initially I was a bit apprehensive. As soon as my car pulled onto the property I felt God say to me, "This is the land that I will give to you"! It reminded me so much of when God called Abraham out and told him of His plan for him and his family and I started crying. I have driven back out to that lot everyday this week so far and I watch it and I pray and I trust God and take Him at His word. I have no idea if the land is even for sale, etc and I have no idea how God will give it to me, but I know that it will be entrusted to me for His purpose and His glory at some point in my life because He said that it will. Abraham was told by God that he would have a child and he waited decades to see this promise fulfilled, but it was fulfilled in God's perfect timing and in an unbelievable way.
Also today someone I care a lot about that hurt me very deeply brought attention to the reality that they are beginning to see some things in their life that need to change and that have hurt others. I cannot express the weight that was lifted off of me at that very moment. They did not apologize directly to me, but they admitted the shortcoming. I finally felt validated, finally felt like I knew that it wasn't my fault. FOr years I have closed down, punished myself, and hurt myself because they had hurt me and their actions had contributed largely with others to my belief that I had no self worth and that I was not enough for them. I finally know for sure that I wasn't crazy and that things that happened were not my imagination. More than all of that I am so glad for them because their life will now be fuller and will hold more joy. I know that this may not all make sense, but I cannot fully describe the peace that has come to me today through this situation and the timing of this is certainly no accident, but instead perfection on the part of my Heavenly Father.

Kill me now!

Shut up, shut up, shut up! I am going to start punching people in their faces for whining, especially when they are fully capable of changing their present circumstances. I would love to sit around and complain about my life, then talk about how to fix it because I know how, and then not fix it and complain some more. Ok, not really, it's not at all appealing.

Oh, that I would speak truth without fear.

What a fulfilling day and encouraging day! I sat with my family for worship today and my youngest sister Sarah Grace sat next to me. Normally she sits with a friend, so I consider this a treat. Anyway, the Lord really used my sister Sarah to encourage me today and to show His grace and perfect timing. She became a believer a couple weeks ago and I haven't really talked to her much about it. She's still Sarah and people aren't changed overnight and God still allows us to have our own unique personalities after we become believers, so I didn't want to overwhelm her with crazy attention after the Lord drew her to Himself. As we worshipped the God of the universe today I was blessed to see her clap during a song, take a few notes, and pay attention to Pastor Charlie for a few moments. Many people would consider this nothing, but if you knew my sister before this is a huge deal! She strongly disliked everything about "church" and did not really participate in the worship. I just sat there and cried because I can see God changing her like He changes all of His children. He called her by name and is molding her into the exact person He wants her to be in His timing and to be used for His specific purposes. I cannot wait to see how He uses her for His glory! God changing her had been one of the most heavy burdens on my heart for years, I ached for her to know the truth and the hope that the rest of us had and had cried out to the Lord for years to take her into His arms and to change her for His purposes and HE HAS!!!!! None of us deserve His salvation and many people I know are the only believers in their family's, so to have all my siblings know Christ is the most amazing reality that I could ever hope for.
Also this morning I was so incredibly convicted. I have this hope and I as well as every single believer am called to go and am called to send. We have adopted an unreached people group and will soon begin sending members of the body to teach and tell others of Christ. This is the ultimate purpose of the gospel. So many times I live as if someone else will tell the nations. If I don't and they don't then these people die without hope. They die seperated from God. How can they know if they have not heard? Who will tell them? The Bible is clear that all humanity, every person on the face of this earth is born in sin, we all live in sin, and without Christ we die in sin. If someone in Sumatra dies and has never heard of Christ they will spend eternity in hell, without the presence of God. There is not another option simply because we American Christians are too self-absorbed and lazy to go to them with the truth and risk everything that we have so that they might live and live abundantly. Not only do I generally live as if I'm too busy to cross the ocean to speak truth, I don't even talk with my friends and neighbors about it the majority of the time. I am called to go to Jerusalem, Judea, Samaria, and to the ends of the earth. That means my neighborhood, my city, my nation, and the rest of the world. I don't just choose some or none, I am called to ALL. Pray that I will feel sorrow for those who are lost, that I will truly be broken for them and will be bold and courageous and love them with truth. Pray that I will not be afraid, the gospel is foolishness to those who are perishing and is offensive to those that do not believe. I must present it fully and without excuse.
Lastly, I am so thankful that I live in a nation where I can worship with my family and not be afraid for my life. I spent some time reading this week about the rest of the nations and those who are slaughtered and tortured for Christ's sake daily. We have this freedom and we hide our faith more than those who are forbidden to speak the gospel. This should shame us.

But, I have this hope......

I am poured out. I've been dumped out, sucked dry, and scraped empty. Today I have absolutely nothing else to give. The last couple weeks have been especially difficult due to me stopping smoking(again)and having multiple extra people(adults and children)at our house ALL the freakin time! I love the people who have been here, but I need a break and my own space and familiarity.
The last week has also been very emotional because I had my 27th birthday and I spent time with old friends and new people. The "new" people weren't completely new, I went to high school with them, but they were all cooler than me back in the day and I can't ever remember them really talking to me in high school. I do NOT do well with new people. I have a hard enough time lately believing that my friends that I've known a long time actually want to be around me, so it's incredibly unnerving to be around a bunch of guys that played sports in high school and try to understand why on earth they would want to hang out with me. I can't understand it. They were nice and I had a good time, but I felt so self-conscious and horribly fat the entire time until I got some beer in me. I didn't get drunk, but it made me sad that I didn't feel comfortable until I had drank some. I don't have a problem with drinking alcohol, it's fully allowed biblically, but I don't want to drink to feel a particular way-that is sinful.
I don't feel comfortable around anyone anymore. I'm shut down emotionally most of the time because I just don't have the energy to feel feelings. I've gained so much weight that I'm sure that everyone is grossed out by my appearance and feels uncomfortable around me. I'm angry a lot and feel utterly defeated most of the time. I am 27 years old and weigh more than I ever had and I just don't know how this happened! I lost so much weight out of high school and felt so good about myself and had my heart broken and decided to get fat so that no one would ever want me again and then I wouldn't ever have to deal with it again. What a stupid stupid stupid girl. That decision snow-balled and I was hurt by so many others and here I am years later. I don't know where to start, I feel like I'm drowning. Well, I do know where to start, I've got to get in the Word! I ache for God's Word, but I don't make time for Him and He is my healing and my strength. I feel like Paul; I don't do what I know that I should do, what is best for me and everything that I know I shouldn't do I do!
I want to be used for God's glory, but I can't if I'm disobedient. I want to minister, to give of myself to others, to touch people's lives with Christ's love, but I am holding myself back and most of the time I'm not doing in intentionally. I need to live intentionally! I have survived the majority of these last 10 years, I have coasted and just existed, but that is not the life that I am called to, I AM CALLED TO TRULY LIVE! I am called to show life, true life to others, life that only comes with an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ! How can I show life to others if I am living so blandly???
I'd also like to point out that I did enjoy my birthday and my old friends. I had a good friend that came into town from Virginia Beach(I felt very special) and spent time with her and my friend Jason. I miss them so much. It also hurts me to be with them because I remember how care-free I was when I first met them and also I want them to know that hope that I have. I want them to know Christ! I fail so much with speaking truth to them and I know that one really struggles with loneliness and the other is searching. Pray that I will be bold and courageous and that I would love them how they should be loved. Pray that God will show me how deep His love is for me and that He loves me as I am. I have really been discouraged lately.

Parasite monsters, kissing, and the screen of death

So....I'm sitting here watching, "Monster's Inside Me" with Kevin and trying to make Rathead watch it. It's awesome. This guy had a parasite that attacked his liver and he had 2 puss-filled abcesses and this girl had something and then it said that she was allergic and Sarah cursed the tv and the cable magically went out on that station! What is the girl allergic to???? I don't know! This will ruin the entire show now! "Friends" it is. I hope you're happy Sarah!

Oh well. I'm using Rathead's laptop for my blogging and have severely missed having instant access to my blog due our desktop giving up it's life. "Sigh" Nothing will load...ok, this is not entirely true, because random porn folders keep popping up from a stupid trojan virus. Anyway, the only screen that the computer would show me was the screen of death. Now that I've got that out of the way we'll talk about more important things.

Like kissing. The thought of the day will be kissing. Kissing, kissing, kissing! Sometimes I sit around and wonder that since it's been so long since I've kissed anyone(excluding family cheek smooches) what if I've forgotten how?!? I would die. I've only really kissed 3 guys unless you count the time that Michael came over to the apt drunk 8+ years ago and tried to plant some on me and also assisted me decorate Christmas cookies(the ugliest cookies I've ever given out, ha!) and when we had New Years at the Matala's when I was like 15 and I drew Craig Burge's name out of the hat. (Yes Craig I did have a slight crush on you earlier in life) There was the first guy I ever kissed and I was absolutely terrified! The first kiss I totally froze on and it took me awhile to not be paranoid that I would mess it all up, but it was ok cause we were in the dark in a tent made of blankets in the livingroom watching "The Shining" and it was dark so he couldn't see how nervous I was. After that it was my favorite past-time and he let me practice it a lot, LOL. 2 years later he broke my heart so I was back to being "kissless".....until creepy guy from the internet started pursuing me and I allowed myself to believe that he was geniunely interested in me. Big mistake! I actually met him at his apartment and he laced my coke with LOTS of Amaretto so it didn't take long before there was kissing, etc. That ended badly or well depending on how you look at it. It ended badly because I had to force him off of me and fight my way out of his home, but it ended well because he wasn't able to rape me, so... Then there was my last relationship which ended a few years ago and it was ok, but I didn't really know him and he'd rather watch wrestling than kiss and make out=unacceptable. I guess I said all this to just say that I need some kissing in my life and if I don't get some I will cut someone. :)

Oh, for the love of bob

Soooooo.... ever have one of those days/weeks when you just want to punch people in their faces and scream at them to shut up and quit whining? Me too!

Unexpected blessing!

Ok, so I was sitting here at home thinking about finances and feeling a bit overwhelmed. I work long hours and hard to pay my bills and to be able to give to others in need and lately haven't had a lot due to paying out the wazoo for vacation and still waiting for others to pay me back for their portion of vacation, extra bills,forgetting about a couple of bills, etc. Also, when my wallet was stolen a few months back I closed my old account, but it took a couple months to get my new direct deposit straight and I had to keep transferring funds and the deposits kept re-opening my old account even though it wasn't supposed to which led to debits coming out that weren't supposed to, etc. Anyway, this led to my old account being overdrawn and ridiculous things of that nature. It's just been very stressful and difficult to straighten out. So....I just checked on my old account and it's overdrawn(of course) and I'm sitting here knowing that there isn't anything that I can do because I don't have extra money right now and am nervous because I'm afraid that I'll have to pay 2 peoples rent this month as well, so I want to make sure that I have money period at the end of the month. I sat down at the table and started going through the mail from the last week or so and was crying, but at peace because I knew that God would take care of me and I opened a check from the US treasury that I was convinced was for $19 because I had to pay $370 to the gov't and was getting $19 back from state and it was for $400!!!!! Apparently the person that did my taxes didn't realize that I was eligible for something else and I had a check! WOO-HOO!!!!!! How amazing is my God! He provides for me when I need it and in His timing and when I don't expect it. Thankyou Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Prayer needed!

So, for the last few weeks I've felt like the Lord wants me to start some sort of online page or group for believers all over the world to share their testimonies of how He changed their lives. They'd be video and typed and would be used to edify the body of Christ across all Christian denominations to unify us and to also be a light to the darkness where unbelievers can read and watch and see people tell of Christ's changing power from their own lives. I know that for me personally I break down weeping when I hear of others personal testimonies and how God has changed them and there is nothing to me that touches me so. I have no idea how to do this, but know that the Lord has equipped me and others around me to do so, I'm just unsure exactly how to begin. I also want to incorporate mine and others blogging into it and use the site as a spurring on towards discipleship and reaching the nations for Christ. Pray for me, pray that the Holy Spirit will speak and that I will listen, that I will be still before my God, that I will pursue Him unabashedly and that everyday I will fall more in love with Him. Pray that my sole focus will be to glorify Him and secondly to love people!

Thought of the day

I will cut you!

A little nervous....

Ok, so since my dad chose to go back to Linda a year and a half ago I have not been to his home or anywhere that she would be present except for when he brought her to the airport to see Josh and when he brought her to my Papa's funeral. Tonight we're celebrating Father's Day and I'm considering going to dinner with him and her. It's a bit terrifying and unnerving because she has inflicted so much pain on my family, but I was just sitting around this week and felt a peace about it and that I should go. Please pray that she will be kind to us, his kids. Generally if he gives us any attention she becomes very cruel to us and I won't tolerate it anymore.

Long week, but good.

I left work early yesterday afternoon due to it being a super-long week and choosing to take a little time to myself and ended up going to be by 11:15pm! It was Friday night and I was in bed, lol. I did watch a movie with my mom (The Book of Eli which is awesome). I've realized lately just how much I don't see my mom and the kids anymore. I see them at church and I see mom every other weekend usually when the kids are at dad's.
Great news this week......my youngest sister, Sarah Grace, became a believer! I have prayed for this for years. A few days before she became a Christian I was looking through some old pics that my Aunt Steph has of Sarah Grace on her fb page and just felt overwhelmed for my sister. I ached for when she was younger, before she turned angry most of the time. I remember when she was happy and carefree. I sat there and cried and prayed for her. God is so good! Sometimes my sinful nature despairs and thinks that some people will never come to Christ, but there is always hope! I should be obedient and tell people of Christ and live my life for Him alone, but the Holy Spirit draws people to the Lord and God's timing is never off. Never. I am so excited to watch her grow.
I'm also excited about women's mentoring that we're starting at Hunsinger soon. I need an older woman to come along-side me and I need to pour myself into a younger woman. I need to pour myself into something and someone. I've always poured myself into my job, but it consumes me and that is not glorifying to God. Christ should consume me-my thoughts, my desires, my hopes, my time. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with the Refugee Ministry. I'll be meeting with Brian this Thursday. I just feel lost when it comes to what to do right now, which ministry to focus on. I think that means that I just need to focus on Christ and He'll lead me to what I should do. I am not spending time in the Word everyday and therein lies the problem.

"Impossible" by Shontelle

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did, I did

And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot
I did

And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly
You have won
You can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worst
Broken trust and broken hearts
I know, I know

Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love AND WORDS
Empty promises will wear
I know, I know

And know when all is gone
There is nothing to say
And if you're done with embarrassing me
On your own you can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible!
Ooh impossible (yeah yeah)

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did..

so...it's been awhile.....

I'm trying to get in the habit of blogging consistently. I don't necessarily think that anyone really wants to read my blogs, but I think I need to take time to process my day and thoughts and be able to go back and read it later, especially when I'm really encouraged by my Creator or struggling with something. Today's won't be very long, but I forgot that my Papa died today. I was talking to my dad on the phone and he was telling me a story from his childhood that he's told me many times and we were laughing and I honestly forgot that my Papa was no longer alive. I remembered rather quickly, but I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather be well aware of the reality of his death daily than to forget and have my mind be startled by the thought and my heart seemingly learn the news all over again.