I am poured out. I've been dumped out, sucked dry, and scraped empty. Today I have absolutely nothing else to give. The last couple weeks have been especially difficult due to me stopping smoking(again)and having multiple extra people(adults and children)at our house ALL the freakin time! I love the people who have been here, but I need a break and my own space and familiarity.
The last week has also been very emotional because I had my 27th birthday and I spent time with old friends and new people. The "new" people weren't completely new, I went to high school with them, but they were all cooler than me back in the day and I can't ever remember them really talking to me in high school. I do NOT do well with new people. I have a hard enough time lately believing that my friends that I've known a long time actually want to be around me, so it's incredibly unnerving to be around a bunch of guys that played sports in high school and try to understand why on earth they would want to hang out with me. I can't understand it. They were nice and I had a good time, but I felt so self-conscious and horribly fat the entire time until I got some beer in me. I didn't get drunk, but it made me sad that I didn't feel comfortable until I had drank some. I don't have a problem with drinking alcohol, it's fully allowed biblically, but I don't want to drink to feel a particular way-that is sinful.
I don't feel comfortable around anyone anymore. I'm shut down emotionally most of the time because I just don't have the energy to feel feelings. I've gained so much weight that I'm sure that everyone is grossed out by my appearance and feels uncomfortable around me. I'm angry a lot and feel utterly defeated most of the time. I am 27 years old and weigh more than I ever had and I just don't know how this happened! I lost so much weight out of high school and felt so good about myself and had my heart broken and decided to get fat so that no one would ever want me again and then I wouldn't ever have to deal with it again. What a stupid stupid stupid girl. That decision snow-balled and I was hurt by so many others and here I am years later. I don't know where to start, I feel like I'm drowning. Well, I do know where to start, I've got to get in the Word! I ache for God's Word, but I don't make time for Him and He is my healing and my strength. I feel like Paul; I don't do what I know that I should do, what is best for me and everything that I know I shouldn't do I do!
I want to be used for God's glory, but I can't if I'm disobedient. I want to minister, to give of myself to others, to touch people's lives with Christ's love, but I am holding myself back and most of the time I'm not doing in intentionally. I need to live intentionally! I have survived the majority of these last 10 years, I have coasted and just existed, but that is not the life that I am called to, I AM CALLED TO TRULY LIVE! I am called to show life, true life to others, life that only comes with an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ! How can I show life to others if I am living so blandly???
I'd also like to point out that I did enjoy my birthday and my old friends. I had a good friend that came into town from Virginia Beach(I felt very special) and spent time with her and my friend Jason. I miss them so much. It also hurts me to be with them because I remember how care-free I was when I first met them and also I want them to know that hope that I have. I want them to know Christ! I fail so much with speaking truth to them and I know that one really struggles with loneliness and the other is searching. Pray that I will be bold and courageous and that I would love them how they should be loved. Pray that God will show me how deep His love is for me and that He loves me as I am. I have really been discouraged lately.