Kill me now!

Shut up, shut up, shut up! I am going to start punching people in their faces for whining, especially when they are fully capable of changing their present circumstances. I would love to sit around and complain about my life, then talk about how to fix it because I know how, and then not fix it and complain some more. Ok, not really, it's not at all appealing.

Oh, that I would speak truth without fear.

What a fulfilling day and encouraging day! I sat with my family for worship today and my youngest sister Sarah Grace sat next to me. Normally she sits with a friend, so I consider this a treat. Anyway, the Lord really used my sister Sarah to encourage me today and to show His grace and perfect timing. She became a believer a couple weeks ago and I haven't really talked to her much about it. She's still Sarah and people aren't changed overnight and God still allows us to have our own unique personalities after we become believers, so I didn't want to overwhelm her with crazy attention after the Lord drew her to Himself. As we worshipped the God of the universe today I was blessed to see her clap during a song, take a few notes, and pay attention to Pastor Charlie for a few moments. Many people would consider this nothing, but if you knew my sister before this is a huge deal! She strongly disliked everything about "church" and did not really participate in the worship. I just sat there and cried because I can see God changing her like He changes all of His children. He called her by name and is molding her into the exact person He wants her to be in His timing and to be used for His specific purposes. I cannot wait to see how He uses her for His glory! God changing her had been one of the most heavy burdens on my heart for years, I ached for her to know the truth and the hope that the rest of us had and had cried out to the Lord for years to take her into His arms and to change her for His purposes and HE HAS!!!!! None of us deserve His salvation and many people I know are the only believers in their family's, so to have all my siblings know Christ is the most amazing reality that I could ever hope for.
Also this morning I was so incredibly convicted. I have this hope and I as well as every single believer am called to go and am called to send. We have adopted an unreached people group and will soon begin sending members of the body to teach and tell others of Christ. This is the ultimate purpose of the gospel. So many times I live as if someone else will tell the nations. If I don't and they don't then these people die without hope. They die seperated from God. How can they know if they have not heard? Who will tell them? The Bible is clear that all humanity, every person on the face of this earth is born in sin, we all live in sin, and without Christ we die in sin. If someone in Sumatra dies and has never heard of Christ they will spend eternity in hell, without the presence of God. There is not another option simply because we American Christians are too self-absorbed and lazy to go to them with the truth and risk everything that we have so that they might live and live abundantly. Not only do I generally live as if I'm too busy to cross the ocean to speak truth, I don't even talk with my friends and neighbors about it the majority of the time. I am called to go to Jerusalem, Judea, Samaria, and to the ends of the earth. That means my neighborhood, my city, my nation, and the rest of the world. I don't just choose some or none, I am called to ALL. Pray that I will feel sorrow for those who are lost, that I will truly be broken for them and will be bold and courageous and love them with truth. Pray that I will not be afraid, the gospel is foolishness to those who are perishing and is offensive to those that do not believe. I must present it fully and without excuse.
Lastly, I am so thankful that I live in a nation where I can worship with my family and not be afraid for my life. I spent some time reading this week about the rest of the nations and those who are slaughtered and tortured for Christ's sake daily. We have this freedom and we hide our faith more than those who are forbidden to speak the gospel. This should shame us.

But, I have this hope......

I am poured out. I've been dumped out, sucked dry, and scraped empty. Today I have absolutely nothing else to give. The last couple weeks have been especially difficult due to me stopping smoking(again)and having multiple extra people(adults and children)at our house ALL the freakin time! I love the people who have been here, but I need a break and my own space and familiarity.
The last week has also been very emotional because I had my 27th birthday and I spent time with old friends and new people. The "new" people weren't completely new, I went to high school with them, but they were all cooler than me back in the day and I can't ever remember them really talking to me in high school. I do NOT do well with new people. I have a hard enough time lately believing that my friends that I've known a long time actually want to be around me, so it's incredibly unnerving to be around a bunch of guys that played sports in high school and try to understand why on earth they would want to hang out with me. I can't understand it. They were nice and I had a good time, but I felt so self-conscious and horribly fat the entire time until I got some beer in me. I didn't get drunk, but it made me sad that I didn't feel comfortable until I had drank some. I don't have a problem with drinking alcohol, it's fully allowed biblically, but I don't want to drink to feel a particular way-that is sinful.
I don't feel comfortable around anyone anymore. I'm shut down emotionally most of the time because I just don't have the energy to feel feelings. I've gained so much weight that I'm sure that everyone is grossed out by my appearance and feels uncomfortable around me. I'm angry a lot and feel utterly defeated most of the time. I am 27 years old and weigh more than I ever had and I just don't know how this happened! I lost so much weight out of high school and felt so good about myself and had my heart broken and decided to get fat so that no one would ever want me again and then I wouldn't ever have to deal with it again. What a stupid stupid stupid girl. That decision snow-balled and I was hurt by so many others and here I am years later. I don't know where to start, I feel like I'm drowning. Well, I do know where to start, I've got to get in the Word! I ache for God's Word, but I don't make time for Him and He is my healing and my strength. I feel like Paul; I don't do what I know that I should do, what is best for me and everything that I know I shouldn't do I do!
I want to be used for God's glory, but I can't if I'm disobedient. I want to minister, to give of myself to others, to touch people's lives with Christ's love, but I am holding myself back and most of the time I'm not doing in intentionally. I need to live intentionally! I have survived the majority of these last 10 years, I have coasted and just existed, but that is not the life that I am called to, I AM CALLED TO TRULY LIVE! I am called to show life, true life to others, life that only comes with an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ! How can I show life to others if I am living so blandly???
I'd also like to point out that I did enjoy my birthday and my old friends. I had a good friend that came into town from Virginia Beach(I felt very special) and spent time with her and my friend Jason. I miss them so much. It also hurts me to be with them because I remember how care-free I was when I first met them and also I want them to know that hope that I have. I want them to know Christ! I fail so much with speaking truth to them and I know that one really struggles with loneliness and the other is searching. Pray that I will be bold and courageous and that I would love them how they should be loved. Pray that God will show me how deep His love is for me and that He loves me as I am. I have really been discouraged lately.