Today. Today is the second day of taking my life back. Today is the second day of eating healthy, not drinking, and spending time in the Word consistently. Today is the second day of exercising and giving all I have to being healthy in every way. Today is good and it is difficult. Today was another day spent in my car that has no AC-yuck! Last week was the sixth month since my Papa died and the sixth month that I abused alcohol off and on. Last week was the sixth month that I over-ate more than I ever had in my life. Last week was the last week that I will ever be that unhealthy. Last week was the last week that I will buy into satan's lies that I am insignificant and insufficient.
I have always drank alcohol off and on and scripturally it is fully acceptable to do so, but for me right now I am choosing not to. I chose the wrong way to grieve, but that is what I chose, and now I am done. Right now I'm also choosing not to drink alcohol for practical reasons because it has an insane amount of calories and has greatly added to my obesity. I also chose to grieve incorrectly when I gorged myself on ridiculous amounts of food and as a result of both of these over-indulgences I have gained 35 lbs in the last 6 months which is insane since I was already so obese. Amazingly I have only smoked a few times in the last 4-6 months, most likely because I temporarily traded one addiction for another. Don't worry, I haven't started smoking again. :) I have difficulty in every physical area of my life due to having so much weight on me and am looking forward to simple tasks not being so exhausting.
I feel much better than I did last week and really covet people's prayers and encouragement.
This week the Lord has really shown Himself to me. A few months ago I felt the Lord telling me that He wanted me to start a discounted laundrymat in my neighborhood. There are so many refugees in my apt complex(we're actually on the KY Refugee Tour) and the laundry facility at the apts is less than many laundrymats around, but still expensive and they really struggle financially. I have thought about it off and on, but hadn't really done anything else. The past 2 weeks I've really felt the need to share this idea with people around me and last Friday night I was up much of the night because my mind would not be quieted and I just kept thinking about the things that God could do with this laundry facility. I want to charge less and have a Bible study that meets there consistently, etc and also use space to have a clothes closet and food pantry that is very close and since many of the refugees are Muslim and won't come into the church even to meet their physical needs. While I was laying there the Lord reminded me that there is a Mosque and a Muslim school less than half a mile down the street from the apts where I live and I felt as if that is where He wanted to have the laundry facility. Two days later I felt led by the Spirit to drive down by the Mosque and to look at it and see if it was for sale, so I did. I passed it up and turned around and stared at it from across the street. I felt like I was supposed to literally drive onto the piece of ground that it was on and to survey it, so I did, even thought initially I was a bit apprehensive. As soon as my car pulled onto the property I felt God say to me, "This is the land that I will give to you"! It reminded me so much of when God called Abraham out and told him of His plan for him and his family and I started crying. I have driven back out to that lot everyday this week so far and I watch it and I pray and I trust God and take Him at His word. I have no idea if the land is even for sale, etc and I have no idea how God will give it to me, but I know that it will be entrusted to me for His purpose and His glory at some point in my life because He said that it will. Abraham was told by God that he would have a child and he waited decades to see this promise fulfilled, but it was fulfilled in God's perfect timing and in an unbelievable way.
Also today someone I care a lot about that hurt me very deeply brought attention to the reality that they are beginning to see some things in their life that need to change and that have hurt others. I cannot express the weight that was lifted off of me at that very moment. They did not apologize directly to me, but they admitted the shortcoming. I finally felt validated, finally felt like I knew that it wasn't my fault. FOr years I have closed down, punished myself, and hurt myself because they had hurt me and their actions had contributed largely with others to my belief that I had no self worth and that I was not enough for them. I finally know for sure that I wasn't crazy and that things that happened were not my imagination. More than all of that I am so glad for them because their life will now be fuller and will hold more joy. I know that this may not all make sense, but I cannot fully describe the peace that has come to me today through this situation and the timing of this is certainly no accident, but instead perfection on the part of my Heavenly Father.