Wednesday, November 30, 2011

"I will bless the Lord at all times. His praise will continually be on my lips."

This past month has easily been the most difficult month of my life. For those of you who don't know I was falsely accused at one of my jobs and lied about by multiple staff members and when I told the truth I was not believed. I was fired on that same day. I'm not sure which has been more difficult; that people I cared about lied about me, that people who were my close friends believed the lies about me, the total paranoia that set in afterward as I was unsure of whether I could really trust anyone at all in my life, the embarrassment and humiliation that I felt as the gossip spread, the anger that burned inside me when the gossip overflowed and endangered my other job, the fact that I had to borrow money from my single parent mom to keep my gas and electric turned on and having to take out a cash advance loan to pay my rent and having no idea where the money would come from to pay those loans back, realizing that every other job that I've looked into or applied for pays half or less than half of what I've been used to making and the frustration that comes along with that, grieving the abrupt loss of my friends that I worked with and the clients that I'd poured so much of my life into, having to cancel my annual Christmas trip to visit my family and friends in Michigan and Wisconsin because I can't afford to travel and I can't afford to take off and not work, and feeling totally lost.

I had felt for a very long time that the one thing that I was good at was my job, it is where I derived so much of my worth as a person. I had spent years being a faithful employee, going above and beyond, bleeding myself dry of time and personal funds, being honest even if it wasn't popular or seemingly beneficial, being kind, giving people the benefit of the doubt, doing whatever was asked of me with a smile. I truly cared about the people, the staff, the management, the agency as a whole, the guardians, and worked diligently to build good working relationships with other agencies. I gave up my free time, my sleep, and my overall health for years. When the job was taken away I felt like I lost most of my worth.

I've spent the last month constantly changing between sobbing, feeling totally betrayed, feeling like this must be a crazy dream, and being furious. I've never been an angry person and over the last month I have felt myself change into a very angry person and it scared me. I know that I absolutely had a right to feel angry about what was done to me, but I don't want to be an angry and bitter person. I drank more than usual and knew that if I didn't let this go I would turn into a very angry, bitter person who abused alcohol and shut out the world. I know exactly what this looks like because I am related to someone who sees his world through an angry and bitter lens and who spent much of his life struggling with refusing to mend relationships when people hurt him and dulling his pain and guilt with a bottle and other substances. He spends all of his free time alone at home now and won't even leave to spend time with his child at her request. I have started rarely leaving my own home. Most of this stems from my addiction and long battle with food. I gained 100 lbs while working a super stressful position before I was fired and then had decided that I didn't care about myself at all anymore. I have shut out almost all of my friends, especially those from the past that I rarely see because I am too embarrassed for them to see me. I have convinced myself on numerous occasions that they would be disgusted if they saw me anyway and then somehow become angry with them and feel hurt by them when I make it very difficult for them to see me.

Anyway, during my anger I was somewhat closed off to the Lord. I wasn't so much angry with Him over what had happened with being fired unfairly, but I just couldn't understand it. What purpose did it serve? What was the point of me diligently spending years trying to act like Christ and to be honest and kind and tender-hearted and helpful, etc if after all of it they would end up believing that I was a liar and a thief anyway? It just made no sense. I know that I have made a lot of desperate sounding fb statuses on here and I generally don't air out that kind of stuff on fb, but at the same time I wasn't sharing details, in no way was I trying to berate those who wronged me, I was just hurting so badly and reeling and just needed those who care about me to know. I needed someone to know that my heart was broken and that I didn't know what to do. What do you do when everything that you worked so hard for is ripped out of your fingers? And for a reason that isn't your fault?

The answer is this; fall at the feet of Christ. I am such a broken mess of a person and He is the only One that can heal me. He is the only hope that I have, the only hope that exists. I hate that I shut Him out and that it took me so long to want Him. I don't know what is doing to happen. I know that I'm going to keep trying to find a job, even if the pay is horrible. I know that I'm going to be very thankful for every extra shift that I can pick up at my part time job and that the staff members there that give me the extra shifts are blessings. I know that I'm not going to starve. I know that there are people in my life that love me desperately even when I don't think that they could love me and most of them are my brothers and sisters in Christ. I know that I still love and care about the people that wronged me and I truly hope that somehow, someday that the Lord will open their eyes to the truth and I know that I forgive them even if they don't think they need to be forgiven. I know that I have to change, I can't be everything that God has planned for me if I'm angry and bitter. I know that God really does have a future planned for me that doesn't consist of hiding in my house and hating myself and longing for the good old days when I didn't realize that this world was so hard, so dark with sin and evil and selfishness. I know that there are exciting things that I am supposed to do because God planned for me to do them before I was even born, before the world existed He knew me and had plans for me. I know that there is a hope, I have a hope, and that it is Him. I know that I need to again smash the idols in my life and long for Him and Him only. I know that I need to ask Him everday to make me desire Him, to want to know Him just a little more everyday. I know that my worth has nothing to do with where I work, who believes me when I tell the truth, how much money I make, but that my identity is Christ. He is why I have worth and His sacrifice means that I am worth a lot to Him. Here are some verses that touched me and encouraged me today. They are from a lot of verses and I just stuck them together. :)

"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord. But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love. We wait in hope for the Lord, He is our help and shield. But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in You. Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God! Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him. You answer us with aweome and righteous deeds, God our Savior, the hope of all the ends of the earth and of the farthest seas. For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth. As for me I will always have hope; I will praise You more and more. Sustain me, my God, according to Your promise and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed. I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in the Lord I put my hope. The Lord delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His unfailing love. There is surely a future hope for you and your hope will not be cut off."


1 comment:

fleming said...

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