"Impossible" by Shontelle

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did, I did

And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot
I did

And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly
You have won
You can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worst
Broken trust and broken hearts
I know, I know

Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love AND WORDS
Empty promises will wear
I know, I know

And know when all is gone
There is nothing to say
And if you're done with embarrassing me
On your own you can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible!
Ooh impossible (yeah yeah)

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did..

so...it's been awhile.....

I'm trying to get in the habit of blogging consistently. I don't necessarily think that anyone really wants to read my blogs, but I think I need to take time to process my day and thoughts and be able to go back and read it later, especially when I'm really encouraged by my Creator or struggling with something. Today's won't be very long, but I forgot that my Papa died today. I was talking to my dad on the phone and he was telling me a story from his childhood that he's told me many times and we were laughing and I honestly forgot that my Papa was no longer alive. I remembered rather quickly, but I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather be well aware of the reality of his death daily than to forget and have my mind be startled by the thought and my heart seemingly learn the news all over again.

“Stay away”

"You are too near to me, this closeness I’ve come to hate, go back across the sea I beg where waters did separate.
"I can feel you in this place, I sense you in my city. You’re far too near, your presence unwanted here, will you again prey on others foolish pity?
"For a short time I was without you in my thoughts, I was given silent peace, now you return like salt in a burn, your damage will never cease.
"You are a walking, breathing lie and so many you’ve deceived, it has been a very long time since your madness I believed.
"You stole what wasn’t yours, you took it with full intention. And afterward into my ears you spoke poison and with bragging you made mention:
That you twisted and preyed on kindness, oh how you killed all truth that got in your way, you broke him to shatter me, and for what, just to prove that you would have your way?
"I long for the day when you are seen for the manipulating force that you are, by the people who’ve defended you while you played the victim and who are convinced that you’re their little shining star.
"You breathe filth and lies and scar my memories, your very being blackens my painful stains; the seething wounds that your acts created, I cry for mercy to not see you with such disdain."
Jennifer Vincent

yay!!!

Katie's home!!! Nuff said. :)

Clean and organize and then do it again, lol

So, Kate is coming home in 8 days from the Philippines!!!!! I'm so excited, have missed my sister so much! She's going to move in with Rathead and I in the room that Audrey used to have. I'm also using this opportunity to finally go through all the clutter in my room including the boxes upon boxes in my closet that are filled with anything and everything. After spending over 5 hours between my room and Kate's new room, my room actually looked quite worse, "sigh". I cannot believe all the crap that I've held onto these years. Yard sale here I come. :)

Sooo.. it's 2:00am and I can't sleep. I've been on the phone with the emergency on call Dr. for a client of mine and can't rest now. It's been awhile since I've even really had time to sit and think...about stuff.... I miss my dad a lot today. I think a lot of it has to do with Father's Day coming up and I'm pretty terrified about that. I think I've seen him twice in 4+months and that's because I showed up at his work. I just don't really know how to interact with him anymore. How do you nonchalantly chit-chat after someone you gave everything for over and over again betrayed you yet again? It's not that I don't want to see him or talk to him or have conversations with him. I just know that at the end of everyday he is not choosing me. Not only is he not choosing me, he's choosing the person who helped to tear his family apart and spent years being cruel to his own children. He's choosing the person who would call, when he was having lunch with his own daughters for the first time in months, and pretend she was going to commit suicide because he took a moment out of his day for us. He's choosing the person that when he became sober told him that she wished he was still drinking so that she could control him. He chose the person that would drive to his house after they were seperated and he was clean and offer him her narcotics. He's choosing the person who gave her own 7 year old child a bottle of medicine, sent her to school, and told her if she ate all those pills that her daddy would come home. He's choosing the person who spent numerous occasions trying to convince myself and my brothers and sisters that our dad never loved our mom and other horrible things. He's choosing the person that wouldn't allow him to bring his own daughter flowers on her birthday and harrassed his daughters home and answering machine with disgusting messages when he tried to see his own child. He's choosing the person who would kick him out of her house and then stop taking her birth control pills to trap him into coming back. He's choosing the person who pretended to be pregnant just to get him away from us. He's choosing the person who would stalk him and leave her own small child in the car overnight alone when doing so. He's choosing the person who humiliated him in every way possible in front of his own children and to his own parents. He's choosing the craziest and most intentionally cruel person I've ever met. He's choosing a person who's done things that I cannot even write down. At the end of the day though, he's not choosing me and I think that's worse than all the rest. The hardest part is that I allowed myself to believe him , especially this last time. He was away from her for a year and a half. He was clean and sober. For the first time he chose his kids. That all ended about 5 months ago. For the first time in my life I stood up to him and because I won't back down we pretty much have nothing. And she wins. That's what infuriates me is that this is exactly what she wanted.
It's so frustrating when you finally realize that you can't make a person want you, any person, even your dad. Most of my life I spent trying to fix situations around him or diffuse things or even clean his house to encourage him, baking for him, cooking for him, doing house work,walking on eggshells, being his friend and his confidant, especially when he was discouraged or drinking because on some level I thought that if I just did something well enough it would make him want to fight for me and realize that I was worth fighting for, but I realized that it wasn't that I wasn't good enough, it's simply that I wasn't enough, period. That was even harder for me to deal with, still is. No matter what I do or don't do, I can't do anything to make him want to truly protect me and guard me as his child, as his daughter. Unless God changes him, he will always choose her and he will always choose himself.
I think I'm having an extra difficult time this past week because Kate's gone and she's the only other person who really knows exactly what I'm dealing with. Josh, Sarah, and Eli never really knew my dad like Kate and I do and they don't really remember a lot because they were so young. I'm just struggling because I'm missing my dad deeply which make me miss Kate all the more and my Bible study group isn't really meeting anymore like we used to which is hard because we had some really encouraging, godly guys that were a good example and I'm missing those relationships deeply as well. Soooo... anyway, I'm ok. I'm just grieving off and on and I think I needed to write it down and know that somebody else knows that I'm hurting. Please don't feel like you have to comment, if you do I certainly won't be angry, but i'm not expecting you to. Please pray for me. it will all be alright, some days I'm just tired of it all.

Pudding

Ok, so with everything going on in our country these days I've been thinking a lot. Today specifically I came to the conclusion that there are 2 kinds of people in this world. Those who like their pudding cups refrigerated and those who do not. Let me be very clear, I do NOT fall into the latter category. :) You may be wondering to yourself, "she must be eating pudding right now", and I have to tell you that you are, in fact, correct. I am sitting here eating my generic sugar free pudding, pondering how lovely it is and I was reminded rather abruptly that there are actually people out there who don't eat their pudding cold. How horrible! How could any clear thinking human being do such a thing?!? It's simply against nature and must not be tolerated. My mind goes back to a day my mom came over to visit and we were rummaging around my kitchen for "snackies" and I had said rather proudly, "I have pudding!". Her face lit up and we both relished in the moment before we were to partake in our glorious snack. Unbeknownst to me this great satisfaction would be severely cut short when I reached into the fridge, face beaming, and my mother looked at me quizzically and asked, "don't you have any that isn't cold?" Her judgemental question cut me to the core as I realized that my mother was "one of those people", you know, "them". Those we don't speak of who eat their warm pudding and like it. Well, I tried to reason with her, but she simply wouldn't have it. We sat in silence in my livingroom as a cloud hung over our snacktime. Panic quickly set in as I wondered, "are we related? Am I even her child?" How can this be????????!!!???? had everything in my life been a lie??!!?? We no longer had anything in common and I could see that soon we'd be mere aquaintances of each other and eventually distant memories. My mother and I reconciled, but I may never fully recover. PLEASE! Please, if you love pudding, for goodness sake, put it in the fridge. And if you are a hater of pudding then I beseech you to turn from your foolish ways, but I fear that you are already too far gone. :)