Sooo.. it's 2:00am and I can't sleep. I've been on the phone with the emergency on call Dr. for a client of mine and can't rest now. It's been awhile since I've even really had time to sit and think...about stuff.... I miss my dad a lot today. I think a lot of it has to do with Father's Day coming up and I'm pretty terrified about that. I think I've seen him twice in 4+months and that's because I showed up at his work. I just don't really know how to interact with him anymore. How do you nonchalantly chit-chat after someone you gave everything for over and over again betrayed you yet again? It's not that I don't want to see him or talk to him or have conversations with him. I just know that at the end of everyday he is not choosing me. Not only is he not choosing me, he's choosing the person who helped to tear his family apart and spent years being cruel to his own children. He's choosing the person who would call, when he was having lunch with his own daughters for the first time in months, and pretend she was going to commit suicide because he took a moment out of his day for us. He's choosing the person that when he became sober told him that she wished he was still drinking so that she could control him. He chose the person that would drive to his house after they were seperated and he was clean and offer him her narcotics. He's choosing the person who gave her own 7 year old child a bottle of medicine, sent her to school, and told her if she ate all those pills that her daddy would come home. He's choosing the person who spent numerous occasions trying to convince myself and my brothers and sisters that our dad never loved our mom and other horrible things. He's choosing the person that wouldn't allow him to bring his own daughter flowers on her birthday and harrassed his daughters home and answering machine with disgusting messages when he tried to see his own child. He's choosing the person who would kick him out of her house and then stop taking her birth control pills to trap him into coming back. He's choosing the person who pretended to be pregnant just to get him away from us. He's choosing the person who would stalk him and leave her own small child in the car overnight alone when doing so. He's choosing the person who humiliated him in every way possible in front of his own children and to his own parents. He's choosing the craziest and most intentionally cruel person I've ever met. He's choosing a person who's done things that I cannot even write down. At the end of the day though, he's not choosing me and I think that's worse than all the rest. The hardest part is that I allowed myself to believe him , especially this last time. He was away from her for a year and a half. He was clean and sober. For the first time he chose his kids. That all ended about 5 months ago. For the first time in my life I stood up to him and because I won't back down we pretty much have nothing. And she wins. That's what infuriates me is that this is exactly what she wanted.
It's so frustrating when you finally realize that you can't make a person want you, any person, even your dad. Most of my life I spent trying to fix situations around him or diffuse things or even clean his house to encourage him, baking for him, cooking for him, doing house work,walking on eggshells, being his friend and his confidant, especially when he was discouraged or drinking because on some level I thought that if I just did something well enough it would make him want to fight for me and realize that I was worth fighting for, but I realized that it wasn't that I wasn't good enough, it's simply that I wasn't enough, period. That was even harder for me to deal with, still is. No matter what I do or don't do, I can't do anything to make him want to truly protect me and guard me as his child, as his daughter. Unless God changes him, he will always choose her and he will always choose himself.
I think I'm having an extra difficult time this past week because Kate's gone and she's the only other person who really knows exactly what I'm dealing with. Josh, Sarah, and Eli never really knew my dad like Kate and I do and they don't really remember a lot because they were so young. I'm just struggling because I'm missing my dad deeply which make me miss Kate all the more and my Bible study group isn't really meeting anymore like we used to which is hard because we had some really encouraging, godly guys that were a good example and I'm missing those relationships deeply as well. Soooo... anyway, I'm ok. I'm just grieving off and on and I think I needed to write it down and know that somebody else knows that I'm hurting. Please don't feel like you have to comment, if you do I certainly won't be angry, but i'm not expecting you to. Please pray for me. it will all be alright, some days I'm just tired of it all.