My moment to breathe

"I will bless the Lord at all times. His praise will continually be on my lips."

2011-11-30T21:28:00.000-08:00

This past month has easily been the most difficult month of my life. For those of you who don't know I was falsely accused at one of my jobs and lied about by multiple staff members and when I told the truth I was not believed. I was fired on that same day. I'm not sure which has been more difficult; that people I cared about lied about me, that people who were my close friends believed the lies about me, the total paranoia that set in afterward as I was unsure of whether I could really trust anyone at all in my life, the embarrassment and humiliation that I felt as the gossip spread, the anger that burned inside me when the gossip overflowed and endangered my other job, the fact that I had to borrow money from my single parent mom to keep my gas and electric turned on and having to take out a cash advance loan to pay my rent and having no idea where the money would come from to pay those loans back, realizing that every other job that I've looked into or applied for pays half or less than half of what I've been used to making and the frustration that comes along with that, grieving the abrupt loss of my friends that I worked with and the clients that I'd poured so much of my life into, having to cancel my annual Christmas trip to visit my family and friends in Michigan and Wisconsin because I can't afford to travel and I can't afford to take off and not work, and feeling totally lost.

I had felt for a very long time that the one thing that I was good at was my job, it is where I derived so much of my worth as a person. I had spent years being a faithful employee, going above and beyond, bleeding myself dry of time and personal funds, being honest even if it wasn't popular or seemingly beneficial, being kind, giving people the benefit of the doubt, doing whatever was asked of me with a smile. I truly cared about the people, the staff, the management, the agency as a whole, the guardians, and worked diligently to build good working relationships with other agencies. I gave up my free time, my sleep, and my overall health for years. When the job was taken away I felt like I lost most of my worth.

I've spent the last month constantly changing between sobbing, feeling totally betrayed, feeling like this must be a crazy dream, and being furious. I've never been an angry person and over the last month I have felt myself change into a very angry person and it scared me. I know that I absolutely had a right to feel angry about what was done to me, but I don't want to be an angry and bitter person. I drank more than usual and knew that if I didn't let this go I would turn into a very angry, bitter person who abused alcohol and shut out the world. I know exactly what this looks like because I am related to someone who sees his world through an angry and bitter lens and who spent much of his life struggling with refusing to mend relationships when people hurt him and dulling his pain and guilt with a bottle and other substances. He spends all of his free time alone at home now and won't even leave to spend time with his child at her request. I have started rarely leaving my own home. Most of this stems from my addiction and long battle with food. I gained 100 lbs while working a super stressful position before I was fired and then had decided that I didn't care about myself at all anymore. I have shut out almost all of my friends, especially those from the past that I rarely see because I am too embarrassed for them to see me. I have convinced myself on numerous occasions that they would be disgusted if they saw me anyway and then somehow become angry with them and feel hurt by them when I make it very difficult for them to see me.

Anyway, during my anger I was somewhat closed off to the Lord. I wasn't so much angry with Him over what had happened with being fired unfairly, but I just couldn't understand it. What purpose did it serve? What was the point of me diligently spending years trying to act like Christ and to be honest and kind and tender-hearted and helpful, etc if after all of it they would end up believing that I was a liar and a thief anyway? It just made no sense. I know that I have made a lot of desperate sounding fb statuses on here and I generally don't air out that kind of stuff on fb, but at the same time I wasn't sharing details, in no way was I trying to berate those who wronged me, I was just hurting so badly and reeling and just needed those who care about me to know. I needed someone to know that my heart was broken and that I didn't know what to do. What do you do when everything that you worked so hard for is ripped out of your fingers? And for a reason that isn't your fault?

The answer is this; fall at the feet of Christ. I am such a broken mess of a person and He is the only One that can heal me. He is the only hope that I have, the only hope that exists. I hate that I shut Him out and that it took me so long to want Him. I don't know what is doing to happen. I know that I'm going to keep trying to find a job, even if the pay is horrible. I know that I'm going to be very thankful for every extra shift that I can pick up at my part time job and that the staff members there that give me the extra shifts are blessings. I know that I'm not going to starve. I know that there are people in my life that love me desperately even when I don't think that they could love me and most of them are my brothers and sisters in Christ. I know that I still love and care about the people that wronged me and I truly hope that somehow, someday that the Lord will open their eyes to the truth and I know that I forgive them even if they don't think they need to be forgiven. I know that I have to change, I can't be everything that God has planned for me if I'm angry and bitter. I know that God really does have a future planned for me that doesn't consist of hiding in my house and hating myself and longing for the good old days when I didn't realize that this world was so hard, so dark with sin and evil and selfishness. I know that there are exciting things that I am supposed to do because God planned for me to do them before I was even born, before the world existed He knew me and had plans for me. I know that there is a hope, I have a hope, and that it is Him. I know that I need to again smash the idols in my life and long for Him and Him only. I know that I need to ask Him everday to make me desire Him, to want to know Him just a little more everyday. I know that my worth has nothing to do with where I work, who believes me when I tell the truth, how much money I make, but that my identity is Christ. He is why I have worth and His sacrifice means that I am worth a lot to Him. Here are some verses that touched me and encouraged me today. They are from a lot of verses and I just stuck them together. :)

"Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the Lord. But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear Him, on those whose hope is in His unfailing love. We wait in hope for the Lord, He is our help and shield. But now, Lord, what do I look for? My hope is in You. Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and my God! Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from Him. You answer us with aweome and righteous deeds, God our Savior, the hope of all the ends of the earth and of the farthest seas. For you have been my hope, Sovereign Lord, my confidence since my youth. As for me I will always have hope; I will praise You more and more. Sustain me, my God, according to Your promise and I will live; do not let my hopes be dashed. I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in the Lord I put my hope. The Lord delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His unfailing love. There is surely a future hope for you and your hope will not be cut off."

.

Laundrymats, liquor, and LIFE!

2010-08-10T16:53:00.000-07:00

Today. Today is the second day of taking my life back. Today is the second day of eating healthy, not drinking, and spending time in the Word consistently. Today is the second day of exercising and giving all I have to being healthy in every way. Today is good and it is difficult. Today was another day spent in my car that has no AC-yuck! Last week was the sixth month since my Papa died and the sixth month that I abused alcohol off and on. Last week was the sixth month that I over-ate more than I ever had in my life. Last week was the last week that I will ever be that unhealthy. Last week was the last week that I will buy into satan's lies that I am insignificant and insufficient.
I have always drank alcohol off and on and scripturally it is fully acceptable to do so, but for me right now I am choosing not to. I chose the wrong way to grieve, but that is what I chose, and now I am done. Right now I'm also choosing not to drink alcohol for practical reasons because it has an insane amount of calories and has greatly added to my obesity. I also chose to grieve incorrectly when I gorged myself on ridiculous amounts of food and as a result of both of these over-indulgences I have gained 35 lbs in the last 6 months which is insane since I was already so obese. Amazingly I have only smoked a few times in the last 4-6 months, most likely because I temporarily traded one addiction for another. Don't worry, I haven't started smoking again. :) I have difficulty in every physical area of my life due to having so much weight on me and am looking forward to simple tasks not being so exhausting.
I feel much better than I did last week and really covet people's prayers and encouragement.
This week the Lord has really shown Himself to me. A few months ago I felt the Lord telling me that He wanted me to start a discounted laundrymat in my neighborhood. There are so many refugees in my apt complex(we're actually on the KY Refugee Tour) and the laundry facility at the apts is less than many laundrymats around, but still expensive and they really struggle financially. I have thought about it off and on, but hadn't really done anything else. The past 2 weeks I've really felt the need to share this idea with people around me and last Friday night I was up much of the night because my mind would not be quieted and I just kept thinking about the things that God could do with this laundry facility. I want to charge less and have a Bible study that meets there consistently, etc and also use space to have a clothes closet and food pantry that is very close and since many of the refugees are Muslim and won't come into the church even to meet their physical needs. While I was laying there the Lord reminded me that there is a Mosque and a Muslim school less than half a mile down the street from the apts where I live and I felt as if that is where He wanted to have the laundry facility. Two days later I felt led by the Spirit to drive down by the Mosque and to look at it and see if it was for sale, so I did. I passed it up and turned around and stared at it from across the street. I felt like I was supposed to literally drive onto the piece of ground that it was on and to survey it, so I did, even thought initially I was a bit apprehensive. As soon as my car pulled onto the property I felt God say to me, "This is the land that I will give to you"! It reminded me so much of when God called Abraham out and told him of His plan for him and his family and I started crying. I have driven back out to that lot everyday this week so far and I watch it and I pray and I trust God and take Him at His word. I have no idea if the land is even for sale, etc and I have no idea how God will give it to me, but I know that it will be entrusted to me for His purpose and His glory at some point in my life because He said that it will. Abraham was told by God that he would have a child and he waited decades to see this promise fulfilled, but it was fulfilled in God's perfect timing and in an unbelievable way.
Also today someone I care a lot about that hurt me very deeply brought attention to the reality that they are beginning to see some things in their life that need to change and that have hurt others. I cannot express the weight that was lifted off of me at that very moment. They did not apologize directly to me, but they admitted the shortcoming. I finally felt validated, finally felt like I knew that it wasn't my fault. FOr years I have closed down, punished myself, and hurt myself because they had hurt me and their actions had contributed largely with others to my belief that I had no self worth and that I was not enough for them. I finally know for sure that I wasn't crazy and that things that happened were not my imagination. More than all of that I am so glad for them because their life will now be fuller and will hold more joy. I know that this may not all make sense, but I cannot fully describe the peace that has come to me today through this situation and the timing of this is certainly no accident, but instead perfection on the part of my Heavenly Father.

Kill me now!

2010-07-11T20:57:00.000-07:00

Shut up, shut up, shut up! I am going to start punching people in their faces for whining, especially when they are fully capable of changing their present circumstances. I would love to sit around and complain about my life, then talk about how to fix it because I know how, and then not fix it and complain some more. Ok, not really, it's not at all appealing.

Oh, that I would speak truth without fear.

2010-07-04T17:57:00.000-07:00

What a fulfilling day and encouraging day! I sat with my family for worship today and my youngest sister Sarah Grace sat next to me. Normally she sits with a friend, so I consider this a treat. Anyway, the Lord really used my sister Sarah to encourage me today and to show His grace and perfect timing. She became a believer a couple weeks ago and I haven't really talked to her much about it. She's still Sarah and people aren't changed overnight and God still allows us to have our own unique personalities after we become believers, so I didn't want to overwhelm her with crazy attention after the Lord drew her to Himself. As we worshipped the God of the universe today I was blessed to see her clap during a song, take a few notes, and pay attention to Pastor Charlie for a few moments. Many people would consider this nothing, but if you knew my sister before this is a huge deal! She strongly disliked everything about "church" and did not really participate in the worship. I just sat there and cried because I can see God changing her like He changes all of His children. He called her by name and is molding her into the exact person He wants her to be in His timing and to be used for His specific purposes. I cannot wait to see how He uses her for His glory! God changing her had been one of the most heavy burdens on my heart for years, I ached for her to know the truth and the hope that the rest of us had and had cried out to the Lord for years to take her into His arms and to change her for His purposes and HE HAS!!!!! None of us deserve His salvation and many people I know are the only believers in their family's, so to have all my siblings know Christ is the most amazing reality that I could ever hope for.
Also this morning I was so incredibly convicted. I have this hope and I as well as every single believer am called to go and am called to send. We have adopted an unreached people group and will soon begin sending members of the body to teach and tell others of Christ. This is the ultimate purpose of the gospel. So many times I live as if someone else will tell the nations. If I don't and they don't then these people die without hope. They die seperated from God. How can they know if they have not heard? Who will tell them? The Bible is clear that all humanity, every person on the face of this earth is born in sin, we all live in sin, and without Christ we die in sin. If someone in Sumatra dies and has never heard of Christ they will spend eternity in hell, without the presence of God. There is not another option simply because we American Christians are too self-absorbed and lazy to go to them with the truth and risk everything that we have so that they might live and live abundantly. Not only do I generally live as if I'm too busy to cross the ocean to speak truth, I don't even talk with my friends and neighbors about it the majority of the time. I am called to go to Jerusalem, Judea, Samaria, and to the ends of the earth. That means my neighborhood, my city, my nation, and the rest of the world. I don't just choose some or none, I am called to ALL. Pray that I will feel sorrow for those who are lost, that I will truly be broken for them and will be bold and courageous and love them with truth. Pray that I will not be afraid, the gospel is foolishness to those who are perishing and is offensive to those that do not believe. I must present it fully and without excuse.
Lastly, I am so thankful that I live in a nation where I can worship with my family and not be afraid for my life. I spent some time reading this week about the rest of the nations and those who are slaughtered and tortured for Christ's sake daily. We have this freedom and we hide our faith more than those who are forbidden to speak the gospel. This should shame us.

But, I have this hope......

2010-07-01T18:17:00.000-07:00

I am poured out. I've been dumped out, sucked dry, and scraped empty. Today I have absolutely nothing else to give. The last couple weeks have been especially difficult due to me stopping smoking(again)and having multiple extra people(adults and children)at our house ALL the freakin time! I love the people who have been here, but I need a break and my own space and familiarity.
The last week has also been very emotional because I had my 27th birthday and I spent time with old friends and new people. The "new" people weren't completely new, I went to high school with them, but they were all cooler than me back in the day and I can't ever remember them really talking to me in high school. I do NOT do well with new people. I have a hard enough time lately believing that my friends that I've known a long time actually want to be around me, so it's incredibly unnerving to be around a bunch of guys that played sports in high school and try to understand why on earth they would want to hang out with me. I can't understand it. They were nice and I had a good time, but I felt so self-conscious and horribly fat the entire time until I got some beer in me. I didn't get drunk, but it made me sad that I didn't feel comfortable until I had drank some. I don't have a problem with drinking alcohol, it's fully allowed biblically, but I don't want to drink to feel a particular way-that is sinful.
I don't feel comfortable around anyone anymore. I'm shut down emotionally most of the time because I just don't have the energy to feel feelings. I've gained so much weight that I'm sure that everyone is grossed out by my appearance and feels uncomfortable around me. I'm angry a lot and feel utterly defeated most of the time. I am 27 years old and weigh more than I ever had and I just don't know how this happened! I lost so much weight out of high school and felt so good about myself and had my heart broken and decided to get fat so that no one would ever want me again and then I wouldn't ever have to deal with it again. What a stupid stupid stupid girl. That decision snow-balled and I was hurt by so many others and here I am years later. I don't know where to start, I feel like I'm drowning. Well, I do know where to start, I've got to get in the Word! I ache for God's Word, but I don't make time for Him and He is my healing and my strength. I feel like Paul; I don't do what I know that I should do, what is best for me and everything that I know I shouldn't do I do!
I want to be used for God's glory, but I can't if I'm disobedient. I want to minister, to give of myself to others, to touch people's lives with Christ's love, but I am holding myself back and most of the time I'm not doing in intentionally. I need to live intentionally! I have survived the majority of these last 10 years, I have coasted and just existed, but that is not the life that I am called to, I AM CALLED TO TRULY LIVE! I am called to show life, true life to others, life that only comes with an intimate relationship with Jesus Christ! How can I show life to others if I am living so blandly???
I'd also like to point out that I did enjoy my birthday and my old friends. I had a good friend that came into town from Virginia Beach(I felt very special) and spent time with her and my friend Jason. I miss them so much. It also hurts me to be with them because I remember how care-free I was when I first met them and also I want them to know that hope that I have. I want them to know Christ! I fail so much with speaking truth to them and I know that one really struggles with loneliness and the other is searching. Pray that I will be bold and courageous and that I would love them how they should be loved. Pray that God will show me how deep His love is for me and that He loves me as I am. I have really been discouraged lately.

Parasite monsters, kissing, and the screen of death

2010-06-30T21:17:00.000-07:00

So....I'm sitting here watching, "Monster's Inside Me" with Kevin and trying to make Rathead watch it. It's awesome. This guy had a parasite that attacked his liver and he had 2 puss-filled abcesses and this girl had something and then it said that she was allergic and Sarah cursed the tv and the cable magically went out on that station! What is the girl allergic to???? I don't know! This will ruin the entire show now! "Friends" it is. I hope you're happy Sarah!

Oh well. I'm using Rathead's laptop for my blogging and have severely missed having instant access to my blog due our desktop giving up it's life. "Sigh" Nothing will load...ok, this is not entirely true, because random porn folders keep popping up from a stupid trojan virus. Anyway, the only screen that the computer would show me was the screen of death. Now that I've got that out of the way we'll talk about more important things.

Like kissing. The thought of the day will be kissing. Kissing, kissing, kissing! Sometimes I sit around and wonder that since it's been so long since I've kissed anyone(excluding family cheek smooches) what if I've forgotten how?!? I would die. I've only really kissed 3 guys unless you count the time that Michael came over to the apt drunk 8+ years ago and tried to plant some on me and also assisted me decorate Christmas cookies(the ugliest cookies I've ever given out, ha!) and when we had New Years at the Matala's when I was like 15 and I drew Craig Burge's name out of the hat. (Yes Craig I did have a slight crush on you earlier in life) There was the first guy I ever kissed and I was absolutely terrified! The first kiss I totally froze on and it took me awhile to not be paranoid that I would mess it all up, but it was ok cause we were in the dark in a tent made of blankets in the livingroom watching "The Shining" and it was dark so he couldn't see how nervous I was. After that it was my favorite past-time and he let me practice it a lot, LOL. 2 years later he broke my heart so I was back to being "kissless".....until creepy guy from the internet started pursuing me and I allowed myself to believe that he was geniunely interested in me. Big mistake! I actually met him at his apartment and he laced my coke with LOTS of Amaretto so it didn't take long before there was kissing, etc. That ended badly or well depending on how you look at it. It ended badly because I had to force him off of me and fight my way out of his home, but it ended well because he wasn't able to rape me, so... Then there was my last relationship which ended a few years ago and it was ok, but I didn't really know him and he'd rather watch wrestling than kiss and make out=unacceptable. I guess I said all this to just say that I need some kissing in my life and if I don't get some I will cut someone. :)

Oh, for the love of bob

2010-06-22T20:25:00.000-07:00

Soooooo.... ever have one of those days/weeks when you just want to punch people in their faces and scream at them to shut up and quit whining? Me too!

Unexpected blessing!

2010-06-20T17:56:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I was sitting here at home thinking about finances and feeling a bit overwhelmed. I work long hours and hard to pay my bills and to be able to give to others in need and lately haven't had a lot due to paying out the wazoo for vacation and still waiting for others to pay me back for their portion of vacation, extra bills,forgetting about a couple of bills, etc. Also, when my wallet was stolen a few months back I closed my old account, but it took a couple months to get my new direct deposit straight and I had to keep transferring funds and the deposits kept re-opening my old account even though it wasn't supposed to which led to debits coming out that weren't supposed to, etc. Anyway, this led to my old account being overdrawn and ridiculous things of that nature. It's just been very stressful and difficult to straighten out. So....I just checked on my old account and it's overdrawn(of course) and I'm sitting here knowing that there isn't anything that I can do because I don't have extra money right now and am nervous because I'm afraid that I'll have to pay 2 peoples rent this month as well, so I want to make sure that I have money period at the end of the month. I sat down at the table and started going through the mail from the last week or so and was crying, but at peace because I knew that God would take care of me and I opened a check from the US treasury that I was convinced was for $19 because I had to pay $370 to the gov't and was getting $19 back from state and it was for $400!!!!! Apparently the person that did my taxes didn't realize that I was eligible for something else and I had a check! WOO-HOO!!!!!! How amazing is my God! He provides for me when I need it and in His timing and when I don't expect it. Thankyou Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Prayer needed!

2010-06-20T13:21:00.000-07:00

So, for the last few weeks I've felt like the Lord wants me to start some sort of online page or group for believers all over the world to share their testimonies of how He changed their lives. They'd be video and typed and would be used to edify the body of Christ across all Christian denominations to unify us and to also be a light to the darkness where unbelievers can read and watch and see people tell of Christ's changing power from their own lives. I know that for me personally I break down weeping when I hear of others personal testimonies and how God has changed them and there is nothing to me that touches me so. I have no idea how to do this, but know that the Lord has equipped me and others around me to do so, I'm just unsure exactly how to begin. I also want to incorporate mine and others blogging into it and use the site as a spurring on towards discipleship and reaching the nations for Christ. Pray for me, pray that the Holy Spirit will speak and that I will listen, that I will be still before my God, that I will pursue Him unabashedly and that everyday I will fall more in love with Him. Pray that my sole focus will be to glorify Him and secondly to love people!

Thought of the day

2010-06-20T11:41:00.000-07:00

I will cut you!

A little nervous....

2010-06-19T06:32:00.000-07:00

Ok, so since my dad chose to go back to Linda a year and a half ago I have not been to his home or anywhere that she would be present except for when he brought her to the airport to see Josh and when he brought her to my Papa's funeral. Tonight we're celebrating Father's Day and I'm considering going to dinner with him and her. It's a bit terrifying and unnerving because she has inflicted so much pain on my family, but I was just sitting around this week and felt a peace about it and that I should go. Please pray that she will be kind to us, his kids. Generally if he gives us any attention she becomes very cruel to us and I won't tolerate it anymore.

Long week, but good.

2010-06-19T06:15:00.000-07:00

I left work early yesterday afternoon due to it being a super-long week and choosing to take a little time to myself and ended up going to be by 11:15pm! It was Friday night and I was in bed, lol. I did watch a movie with my mom (The Book of Eli which is awesome). I've realized lately just how much I don't see my mom and the kids anymore. I see them at church and I see mom every other weekend usually when the kids are at dad's.
Great news this week......my youngest sister, Sarah Grace, became a believer! I have prayed for this for years. A few days before she became a Christian I was looking through some old pics that my Aunt Steph has of Sarah Grace on her fb page and just felt overwhelmed for my sister. I ached for when she was younger, before she turned angry most of the time. I remember when she was happy and carefree. I sat there and cried and prayed for her. God is so good! Sometimes my sinful nature despairs and thinks that some people will never come to Christ, but there is always hope! I should be obedient and tell people of Christ and live my life for Him alone, but the Holy Spirit draws people to the Lord and God's timing is never off. Never. I am so excited to watch her grow.
I'm also excited about women's mentoring that we're starting at Hunsinger soon. I need an older woman to come along-side me and I need to pour myself into a younger woman. I need to pour myself into something and someone. I've always poured myself into my job, but it consumes me and that is not glorifying to God. Christ should consume me-my thoughts, my desires, my hopes, my time. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do with the Refugee Ministry. I'll be meeting with Brian this Thursday. I just feel lost when it comes to what to do right now, which ministry to focus on. I think that means that I just need to focus on Christ and He'll lead me to what I should do. I am not spending time in the Word everyday and therein lies the problem.

"Impossible" by Shontelle

2010-04-12T17:01:00.000-07:00

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did, I did

And you were strong and I was not
My illusion, my mistake
I was careless, I forgot
I did

And now when all is done
There is nothing to say
You have gone and so effortlessly
You have won
You can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worst
Broken trust and broken hearts
I know, I know

Thinking all you need is there
Building faith on love AND WORDS
Empty promises will wear
I know, I know

And know when all is gone
There is nothing to say
And if you're done with embarrassing me
On your own you can go ahead tell them

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible!
Ooh impossible (yeah yeah)

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did

Tell them all I know now
Shout it from the roof tops
Write it on the sky line
All we had is gone now

Tell them I was happy
And my heart is broken
All my scars are open
Tell them what I hoped would be
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible
Impossible, impossible

I remember years ago
Someone told me I should take
Caution when it comes to love
I did..

so...it's been awhile.....

2010-04-07T21:21:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to get in the habit of blogging consistently. I don't necessarily think that anyone really wants to read my blogs, but I think I need to take time to process my day and thoughts and be able to go back and read it later, especially when I'm really encouraged by my Creator or struggling with something. Today's won't be very long, but I forgot that my Papa died today. I was talking to my dad on the phone and he was telling me a story from his childhood that he's told me many times and we were laughing and I honestly forgot that my Papa was no longer alive. I remembered rather quickly, but I've come to the conclusion that I'd rather be well aware of the reality of his death daily than to forget and have my mind be startled by the thought and my heart seemingly learn the news all over again.

“Stay away”

2009-09-11T23:21:00.000-07:00

"You are too near to me, this closeness I’ve come to hate, go back across the sea I beg where waters did separate.
"I can feel you in this place, I sense you in my city. You’re far too near, your presence unwanted here, will you again prey on others foolish pity?
"For a short time I was without you in my thoughts, I was given silent peace, now you return like salt in a burn, your damage will never cease.
"You are a walking, breathing lie and so many you’ve deceived, it has been a very long time since your madness I believed.
"You stole what wasn’t yours, you took it with full intention. And afterward into my ears you spoke poison and with bragging you made mention:
That you twisted and preyed on kindness, oh how you killed all truth that got in your way, you broke him to shatter me, and for what, just to prove that you would have your way?
"I long for the day when you are seen for the manipulating force that you are, by the people who’ve defended you while you played the victim and who are convinced that you’re their little shining star.
"You breathe filth and lies and scar my memories, your very being blackens my painful stains; the seething wounds that your acts created, I cry for mercy to not see you with such disdain."
Jennifer Vincent

yay!!!

2009-08-26T11:01:00.000-07:00

Katie's home!!! Nuff said. :)

Clean and organize and then do it again, lol

2009-08-17T20:45:00.000-07:00

So, Kate is coming home in 8 days from the Philippines!!!!! I'm so excited, have missed my sister so much! She's going to move in with Rathead and I in the room that Audrey used to have. I'm also using this opportunity to finally go through all the clutter in my room including the boxes upon boxes in my closet that are filled with anything and everything. After spending over 5 hours between my room and Kate's new room, my room actually looked quite worse, "sigh". I cannot believe all the crap that I've held onto these years. Yard sale here I come. :)

2009-06-03T22:05:00.001-07:00

Sooo.. it's 2:00am and I can't sleep. I've been on the phone with the emergency on call Dr. for a client of mine and can't rest now. It's been awhile since I've even really had time to sit and think...about stuff.... I miss my dad a lot today. I think a lot of it has to do with Father's Day coming up and I'm pretty terrified about that. I think I've seen him twice in 4+months and that's because I showed up at his work. I just don't really know how to interact with him anymore. How do you nonchalantly chit-chat after someone you gave everything for over and over again betrayed you yet again? It's not that I don't want to see him or talk to him or have conversations with him. I just know that at the end of everyday he is not choosing me. Not only is he not choosing me, he's choosing the person who helped to tear his family apart and spent years being cruel to his own children. He's choosing the person who would call, when he was having lunch with his own daughters for the first time in months, and pretend she was going to commit suicide because he took a moment out of his day for us. He's choosing the person that when he became sober told him that she wished he was still drinking so that she could control him. He chose the person that would drive to his house after they were seperated and he was clean and offer him her narcotics. He's choosing the person who gave her own 7 year old child a bottle of medicine, sent her to school, and told her if she ate all those pills that her daddy would come home. He's choosing the person who spent numerous occasions trying to convince myself and my brothers and sisters that our dad never loved our mom and other horrible things. He's choosing the person that wouldn't allow him to bring his own daughter flowers on her birthday and harrassed his daughters home and answering machine with disgusting messages when he tried to see his own child. He's choosing the person who would kick him out of her house and then stop taking her birth control pills to trap him into coming back. He's choosing the person who pretended to be pregnant just to get him away from us. He's choosing the person who would stalk him and leave her own small child in the car overnight alone when doing so. He's choosing the person who humiliated him in every way possible in front of his own children and to his own parents. He's choosing the craziest and most intentionally cruel person I've ever met. He's choosing a person who's done things that I cannot even write down. At the end of the day though, he's not choosing me and I think that's worse than all the rest. The hardest part is that I allowed myself to believe him , especially this last time. He was away from her for a year and a half. He was clean and sober. For the first time he chose his kids. That all ended about 5 months ago. For the first time in my life I stood up to him and because I won't back down we pretty much have nothing. And she wins. That's what infuriates me is that this is exactly what she wanted.
It's so frustrating when you finally realize that you can't make a person want you, any person, even your dad. Most of my life I spent trying to fix situations around him or diffuse things or even clean his house to encourage him, baking for him, cooking for him, doing house work,walking on eggshells, being his friend and his confidant, especially when he was discouraged or drinking because on some level I thought that if I just did something well enough it would make him want to fight for me and realize that I was worth fighting for, but I realized that it wasn't that I wasn't good enough, it's simply that I wasn't enough, period. That was even harder for me to deal with, still is. No matter what I do or don't do, I can't do anything to make him want to truly protect me and guard me as his child, as his daughter. Unless God changes him, he will always choose her and he will always choose himself.
I think I'm having an extra difficult time this past week because Kate's gone and she's the only other person who really knows exactly what I'm dealing with. Josh, Sarah, and Eli never really knew my dad like Kate and I do and they don't really remember a lot because they were so young. I'm just struggling because I'm missing my dad deeply which make me miss Kate all the more and my Bible study group isn't really meeting anymore like we used to which is hard because we had some really encouraging, godly guys that were a good example and I'm missing those relationships deeply as well. Soooo... anyway, I'm ok. I'm just grieving off and on and I think I needed to write it down and know that somebody else knows that I'm hurting. Please don't feel like you have to comment, if you do I certainly won't be angry, but i'm not expecting you to. Please pray for me. it will all be alright, some days I'm just tired of it all.

Pudding

2009-04-07T09:37:00.001-07:00

Ok, so with everything going on in our country these days I've been thinking a lot. Today specifically I came to the conclusion that there are 2 kinds of people in this world. Those who like their pudding cups refrigerated and those who do not. Let me be very clear, I do NOT fall into the latter category. :) You may be wondering to yourself, "she must be eating pudding right now", and I have to tell you that you are, in fact, correct. I am sitting here eating my generic sugar free pudding, pondering how lovely it is and I was reminded rather abruptly that there are actually people out there who don't eat their pudding cold. How horrible! How could any clear thinking human being do such a thing?!? It's simply against nature and must not be tolerated. My mind goes back to a day my mom came over to visit and we were rummaging around my kitchen for "snackies" and I had said rather proudly, "I have pudding!". Her face lit up and we both relished in the moment before we were to partake in our glorious snack. Unbeknownst to me this great satisfaction would be severely cut short when I reached into the fridge, face beaming, and my mother looked at me quizzically and asked, "don't you have any that isn't cold?" Her judgemental question cut me to the core as I realized that my mother was "one of those people", you know, "them". Those we don't speak of who eat their warm pudding and like it. Well, I tried to reason with her, but she simply wouldn't have it. We sat in silence in my livingroom as a cloud hung over our snacktime. Panic quickly set in as I wondered, "are we related? Am I even her child?" How can this be????????!!!???? had everything in my life been a lie??!!?? We no longer had anything in common and I could see that soon we'd be mere aquaintances of each other and eventually distant memories. My mother and I reconciled, but I may never fully recover. PLEASE! Please, if you love pudding, for goodness sake, put it in the fridge. And if you are a hater of pudding then I beseech you to turn from your foolish ways, but I fear that you are already too far gone. :)

2009-04-06T12:22:00.000-07:00

Today I"m just thinking over how incredibly dangerous it is to want someone who doesn't want me. How utterly foolish it is and making an effort to guard my heart, but at the same time knowing not to trust my heart either, it is deceitful and blows back and worth by the wind and can't be trusted. After crying for weeks for someone who doesn't want me and that is evidenced by their actions what is the point of desiring them? I think the most difficult part is that they are the kind of man I need, a godly man who could lead me, and I don't just want the kind of person he is, I care deeply for him individually , but I spent years of my life waiting and hoping and "trying" to get someone in the past to really love me and its insane because if someone loves you then you don't have to make it happen. They simply love you and pursue you and risk everything to have you. I woke up today with a peace about this and am seeking my One true love, my savior even more. The frustrating aspect to this is that I"m generally content being single, these last few weeks have just been hard.

Biblical view on inaugural choice

2009-01-17T10:07:00.001-08:00

I found this on the Desiring God blog. Obviously those who don't have the Spirit can't understand the things of the Spirit, but those of us who do claim to and are believers should very much think on this choice by Barack Obama at the inauguration and it should make us angry when choices like these basically slap our God in the face. It should matter a great deal.

How Barack Obama Will Make Christ a Minister of CondemnationJanuary 17, 2009 By: John Piper Category: Commentary
At Barack Obama’s request, tomorrow in the Lincoln Memorial, Gene Robinson, the first openly non-celibate homosexual bishop in the Episcopal Church, will deliver the invocation for the inauguration kick-off.
This is tragic not mainly because Obama is willing to hold up the legitimacy of homosexual intercourse, but because he is willing to get behind the church endorsement of sexual intercourse between men.
It is one thing to say: Two men may legally have sex. It is another to say: The Christian church acted acceptably in blessing Robinson’s sex with men.
The implications of this are serious.
It means that Barack Obama is willing, not just to tolerate, but to feature a person and a viewpoint that makes the church a minister of damnation. Again, the tragedy here is not that many people in public life hold views (like atheism) that lead to damnation, but that Obama is making the church the minister of damnation.
The apostle Paul says,
Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: neither the sexually immoral, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men who practice homosexuality, nor thieves , nor the greedy, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus and by the Spirit of our God. (1 Corinthians 6:9-11)
What is Paul saying about things like adultery, greed, stealing, and homosexual practice? As J. I. Packer puts it, “They are ways of sin that, if not repented of and forsaken, will keep people out of God’s kingdom of salvation.” (Christianity Today, January 2003, p. 48).
In other words, to bless people in these sins, instead of offering them forgiveness and deliverance from them, is to minister damnation to them, not salvation.
The gospel, with its forgiveness and deliverance from homosexual practice, offers salvation. Gene Robinson, with his blessing and approval of homosexual practice, offers damnation. And he does it in the name of Christ.
It is as though Obama sought out a church which blessed stealing and adultery, and then chose its most well-known thief and adulterer, and asked him to pray.
One more time: The issue here is not that presidents may need to tolerate things they don’t approve of. The issue is this: In linking the Christian ministry to the approval of homosexual activity, Christ is made a minister of condemnation.

2009-01-07T21:06:00.000-08:00

So, I'm sitting here so incredibly thankful of the faithful friends that the Lord has placed in my life. 3 weeks ago a dear friends of mine's mom passed away suddenly and unexpectedly and young. I have been grieving for my friend and her family and specifically for God to show me how to minister to her best, how to give of myself to help her and for her husband to know how to love her the way she needs to be loved right now. Tonight at Bible study was the first time I've seen them since everything happened and they went out of town and God used them to bless me and teach me in a way I've never seen. They are hopeful! They love their Lord more today than they did yesterday. She is grieving, but asking us to pray that God will show her how to grieve in a way that glorifies Him!I honestly think the 2 of them speaking about how God is using this heartache to draw them closer to Himself and to long for him more and to hate sin that much more( because the ultimate reality of sin in our life here is death) is the most beautiful moment I have ever been a part of. I began the day seeking out how I could best be of benefit to them and the Lord used them to teach me and to show me what a faithful believer looks like in the face of anguish and loss. I love them so much and they are such an example to me. Thankyou Jesus for the light you are shining through them and their great encouragement!

Christmas Day 2008

2008-12-25T19:28:00.000-08:00

So, I've been thinking a lot lately about those times my parents told me that each year goes by faster than the one before- this year has been the quickest year seemingly of my life. But even more than that I can barely remember the last 5 or so years period, mainly because I hid myself in a hole for many of them due to painful situations off and on. For a really long time I simply survived, that was my mentality, to get through another day and I didn't even realize how incredibly lacking that kind of life was. It took God's Word and intentional friends to show me that I should be enjoying my life. More than that- I should be immensely enjoying Jesus Christ! The life of the believer is not simply some "stick to it" and "deal with it" situational life, but a life of joy and unbridled passion for my Creator and Sustainer who gives and who takes away and who heals what is broken and holds me when all around me is breaking and who disciplines me because He loves me and tears down and rebuilds according to His will and for His glory! My hope and my joy and my satisfaction can only be found in Him and I will never be who I am meant to be unless I am obedient to Him! There is no greater gift for me to dwell on today than that of my precious Lord whose death was not even about me, but was about God being glorified and His will being done and drawing a people to Himself, people who didn't deserve anything but seperation from Him, but in His great and wonderful mercy He demonstrated His love for me that while I was still full of every kind of evil towards Him He gave His life! How can I not praise Him? How can I complain? Why should I be complacent?

Excitement

2008-12-08T12:26:00.000-08:00

So... I've lost 8.5 pounds! i know, I still have like a gazillion to go, but am encouraged!

So... it's been awhile.... :)

2008-12-07T22:40:00.000-08:00

Well, I've decided to try to start blogging again.... you know, since my life is so incredibly interesting, lol. Not much to report today, worked and am tired now since it's almost 2am. Had a phenomenal day at church today, very encouraging. Am very excited about a project we're getting together to help out some refugees that have been re-located to downtown Louisville from Asia. More about that later. Spent some time reading 1Cor.1-3 tonight. Am praying that the Lord will continue to mold me into who He wants me to be and am laying my dad at His feet. That's it for now.

Yeah!

2007-01-07T22:43:00.000-08:00

What a good day! My brother Eli was baptized today! He became a believer a few weeks ago and my dad came and everything. I haven't been in church with my daddy in years. I hadn't been to church in a few weeks with being out of town, sick, and work, so.... it was so refreshing, and encouraging, I went out to eat with everyone from the college group and Kate came too.
oh, and update, the Boxer that I picked up in Michigan attacked my Bibi, so she had to go all the way back to Michigan, how ridiculous.
This week I have reflected on reconciliation, first between God and us, but because of His grace, we can truly reconcile with others, even if they've broken our hearts or acted in ways we never thought possible, it's so beautiful when two people start to rebuild and really forgive, no matter what their relationship. Well, I better head to bed.

Toodles

Yeah, countdown to new doggie!

2006-11-03T11:08:00.000-08:00

So, I am officially getting my family a Boxer for Christmas. I am soooo excited and will drive to michigan in a couple weeks to pick her up, and I"ll stop and see my gran and papa while I"m there. It's been an ok week, I'm tired, I just got done with a 32 hour shift this morning and am back at a clients house right now, but I can't really complain because God has given me the ability to work long hours and has provided me with tons of work opportunities, so, my debt should be paid off in the next year and that will be wonderful. Gotta go.

Toodles

Deathly ill

2006-10-31T07:12:00.000-08:00

I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sick. I might even die. I think I'm getting a sinus infection. Toodles.